July 08, 2009

wordy wordz

Well...I cant sleep and entire house of dogs/people are asleep...feeling overwhelmed today (after great Bible study this morning) w/remembering to watch my words (or, for those of you in flomo 'wordz', yo). I was (for some reason) going thru some old blogs and found this. Hmmmm. Needed to revisit today of all days.

Give me words...or not

"Give me words to speak, dont let my spirit sleep...cuz I cant think of anything worth sayin" Aaron Shust

Hmmmmm.

Is it ANY coincidence that I lost my voice for most of the week? Nah. Dont believe in coincidences...feeling pretty certain that its God's funny lil way of reminding me of some things He's teaching me lately.

"Give me words to speak..." Usually not a problem for me...not having words, that is. But are they the words to build up others and glorify Him? Or am I just spewin' stuff to get attention...get a laugh...tear someone else down? Ouchy.

Often, my words are too many and overflowing at an unbelievable rate. Seriously, I am flabbergasted (great word) w/how quick I can come up w/color commentary, sarcastic quips, and the general witty banter. I once thought it was a gift..."wow, I'm HI-LAR-IOUS!" But, 99.9% of the time, after it has escaped OUT THERE, I regret it. I tell hubby "I got on my own nerves today" when I lose control of this weapon of mine...and lets just say, I get on my nerves A LOT.

So...over the past several months, I find myself working on TAMING MY TONGUE...its hard for me. I get on my nerves more often than I succeed. But every now and then...every once in a blue moon, when a GREAT remark comes to my mind - I SNAG it before it goes out. STOP. Is that building others up or bring glory to Him? OR, is that a holymolydidIreallysaythat? moment.

For me, its hardest when there are hurtful words shooting out at me or someone I love. Its EASY for me to defend, reflect, and slam w/words when someone I love is target. But, am I 'defending' in the way He'd have me use my mouth, or jumpin on board the hypocrisy train? Other times, its just a way to hide insecurities or fill the silence. I have problems with silence. I'm weak...and loud. And this week, out of words (er, voice that is) and its been a good thing.

I have this verse hanging above my phone - "Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips." Psalm 141:3

So, this week I'm reminded to set that "guard"...and as my physical voice is getting stronger, I can only pray that its one that is used the right way.


June 29, 2009

selfishness

Ok...so, I'm reading  a great book that talks about all those "subtle sins" that we commit daily but then rationalize that OUR sins arent as big as those BIGGIES that others commit. You know - the "I'm not committing murder so I'm not that bad" attitude? Surely God sees that, right? Uh...bad news...sin BE sin and its a hard pill to swallow.

Point...I'm identifying w/WAY too much of this book. Those subtle sins that I rationalize...the ones that I decide arent quite so ugly...are a real plague that we miss. Today I read about selfishness. Think you're not selfish and you can just skip this blog??

Well...uh...think again.

He breaks it out into a few different types of selfishness (interests, time, inconsiderateness, money) - all of which, when I get HONEST w/myself I am totally guilty of. But as the day went on I did what the author suggests...he says, "ask God to shine a light on the subtle sins you are committing...it wont be what you think it will be...He'll surprise you with what He's offended by." Hmmmm. Cant be good...

So, I did...and will do. He's funny, that Father of ours. The things I cherry-pick as my 'bad stuff' arent necessarily what He'll have me focus on. Today, I realized that I am repeatedly selfish with my time/energy/attitude w/my kids this summer. When did that happen? When did keeping orderly house and getting my to-do list done trump going to the neighborhood pool and eating popcycles? When did I start harping on them more than teaching them? I dunno...He does. Ouch. I heard something at Bible study this week that reminded me (again) where my treasure is...and where I seem to get "off". Beth Moore (in video lecture) said roughly, "why do we cry w/compassion at commercials about people we'll never meet but are short-fused and irritable with the most precious people on this earth to us??"

Selfishness.

I know there is a time/place for obedience and responsibility, but my issue here is more w/my attitude. An attitude completely focused on me and my agenda. Ouchy.

As I'm thinking thru this I'm overwhelmed with throbbing pain for a dear mother I know as she sits beside her precious angel (Jozie) who is in the hospital today...facing uncertainty. It makes my stomach ache...can I really be a person who is so selfish that I am missing the gifts God gave me to acheive what I decide is important?? If Katie were here in the middle of my day, would her priorities be different? I think so. God knows my heart...He knows my motives and my attitudes.

So, as I type, I will continue to beg Him to direct my heart...I wanna want what He wants. If I seek Him and His plan, I cant go wrong...Lord save me from myself...and God, be present to Katie and sweet Jozie today.

June 19, 2009

this day

This day 24 years ago...was a bad one.

This day is always a dreaded one...a day that I count down to, and then sigh heavily when it is gone. I'm sure most of us have these days. But this year, it feels different...this year I'm remembering that this day was only that - ONE DAY. One moment. One choice. One mistake. This day does not define me...this day does not define my family...it does not defiine my dad.

This day is a part of me...one stone in my cairn, if you will, but it was a day fully intended to occur by a God who loves me. Its as though He whispers in my ear on this day, "Yes I let it happen...but..." I see something new every year...a new "but" every single year. This year I got to talk to my bro in Colorado - the same place I was at 24 years ago on this day - and he showed me more beauty that came from the ashes of this day. There are so many things He shows me...I hang on to them like treasures.

I wonder at times how I made it thru...this far...24 years later. And then, I remember again that Whisper in my ear. This day is bigger than me...or my preferences for a pain-free life. For me, this year, I'm trying to see it as a 'marker' of a different sort. Its proof...proof of a loving God, who in spite of this world's pains/troubles, will never leave me and never forsake me. And He never has. Not even on this day.

Twenty four years may seem like an eternity to you, to me, it feels/tastes/smells/looks like yesterday. But this year, I'm remembering that it was only ONE DAY.

"Still wondering why I’m here
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh, He’s up to something
And the farther on I go
I’ve seen enough to know
That I’m, not here for nothing
He’s up to something"

June 06, 2009

cairns

So recently I went to the cemetery for the first time in like 5 years...the one where my dad is buried. Funny thing, I drive past it almost daily, but I dont go there. No need. He's not there...I know that, but for some reason I was drawn there the other day.

As I stood there and thought, "I have no flowers...or anything to leave her to show someone's been here" I saw some rocks. And then, my first thought was - a cairn - I need to build a cairn. Do you know what a cairn is? I found a blog on hiking that said this...

"With regard to Colorado hiking, a cairn is a pile rocks placed near a trail in lieu of man-made trail markers (e.g., wood signs, wood posts, plastic/metal tree emblems, painting on rocks, etc.). Further, cairns are used on ambiguous trails where hikers have been known to get lost. Staying on a trail marked primarily with cairns can be challenging because cairns simply signal that you are near a trail and do not necessarily signal the direction that the trail is heading. Thus, effectively following cairns along a trail requires finding the next cairn in the sequence of cairns."


I found some rocks and built a lil Flower Mound cairn...I told my bro later and he loved the idea. Our own lil cairn right there for Dad. As the day went on, I kept thinking about my cairn...and then, today as I was reading/praying I was struck by something (bear with me, life analogy coming) - my life is a process of building cairns...guides, markers, signals for where I've been. I thought of all the pains/sufferings - and the good stuff, too, of course - in my life and visualized adding another rock to my pile. Hmmm. How many piles do I have?

How do I let all those things - the things I should never forget that God has let occur in my life - guide my life? Guide my path...the direction I go?

Ya know, when I went to Colorado a few summers ago and my bro took us hiking, when I saw a cairn he told me, "don't touch it...leave it the way you found it or add to it, but dont take any of the rocks away...they need to be there". And so goes my life as well...each experience NEEDS to be there.

I've been doing lots of "personal digging" in my life lately - hoping to feel led to write about it soon - and God is showing me some amazing ways He wants to lead me in a new direction. He wants to take me on different paths that I've never thought I could manage. I've always decided, "this is just the way God made me...my destiny is to be HERE, just the way I am...".

He's been taking this opportunity to change that thinking. I have to trust that all things work together for His purpose - not just say it, but BELIEVE IT. Live it.

And so, the images of the cairns stays with me today...and I'll beg Him to continue to show me just how He wants me to stack my rocks. Being led is not easy...trusting the path is a struggle when you have NO idea where its going. But, I thank Him that He cares enough for each of us - regardless of how we regard Him - to provide a trail...whether we take it or not.

"Staying on a trail marked primarily with cairns can be challenging because cairns simply signal that you are near a trail and do not necessarily signal the direction that the trail is heading. "


"But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life..."

Cairn2

May 29, 2009

friday felicities

(Does anyone have the FF jpg - Stacey? Dana? AJ? I cant find it on my well organized hard drive)

OK...been blog-neglectful lately...I've been wavering btw the "my life is so funny and this is why" blog and the "here's some greatness that God's teaching me - all serious-like" blog in my head. Not sure what to share, but know that - every bike...every run...every moment of quiet, I'm blogging in my head to you all. If only I could think-type...hmmmm, there's a thought.

Anyway, for Friday - here's a random list of 5 things I wanted to tell and didnt during all of my mind-blogging.

1) Brent is now mountain bike freako-crazy. He did an xterra event last month and is now hooked...I fear that the regular tri is in danger of being knocked out by his xterra love. Did you see THIS? Its my early 15 year anniversary present from my romantic husband. Yes, its NOT a bike. Yes, its a bike FRAME. And...well...yes, in my world, it IS romantic. We live 1 mile from the coolest MB trail in North Texas and I've been wanting to get a MB for ages. He's going to build it up and we'll have another way to spend our dates together. He's nuts, but I'll keep him, I guess.

2) The new Mat Kearney cd is out and is amazing...I have a bit of a fixation on this guy/his music. Brent understands...really. His lyrics are deep and I'm deep...no really, I am. Truly, I love his stuff - its my fav right now. I quote him often on this blog.

3) I'm asking God to help me seek "excellence and NOT perfection". I'll never acheive perfection and it was never His plan for me to be perfect...there was only One who was perfect. So, in everything I'm asking Him to re-direct my goals and thinking...its crazy how good God is.

4) I've been reading the craziest book that may cause many to think I've gone off the deep end. I'm now practicing barefoot running in my backyard and on the search to find a women's size 8.5 pair of Nike Free's to try out. I may be a convert...but, the guy set out to answer this Q: "why does my foot hurt?" and found so much more. Me loves this book.

5) I'm learning some good and ugly stuff about sin. We sin in thought, deed, motive, and word. Its not just action-seen-by-others, gang. Also, I'm learning that sin is malignent and WILL always metastasize to things around it. Our sin does not ONLY affect us, its the most contagious, sticky, awful mess that gets all over everyone around us when we do it. Its never, ever contained. Think about that. Ew. But there IS good news, we can overcome it...not on our own, but by trusting/relying on God. It can seem like a mountain that is unscaleable, but He's the gondola up, baby...truly (wow, that was almost poetic). I live it...I'm a sticky mess, but there is hope...

Happy friday to you all...off to run...and then dance recital rehearsal for Maya...and then flag football game for Braeden...and then...and then...life is good, eh?

May 20, 2009

The Solution

I don't know what your problem is, but I know this - we all have different probs, but one solution. I was reminded of this today in a very real way...
 

1-2With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.

 3-4God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn't deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that.

   The law always ended up being used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. And now what the law code asked for but we couldn't deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us.

 5-8Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn't pleased at being ignored.

 9-11But if God himself has taken up residence in your life, you can hardly be thinking more of yourself than of him. Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won't know what we're talking about. But for you who welcome him, in whom he dwells—even though you still experience all the limitations of sin—you yourself experience life on God's terms. It stands to reason, doesn't it, that if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, he'll do the same thing in you that he did in Jesus, bringing you alive to himself? When God lives and breathes in you (and he does, as surely as he did in Jesus), you are delivered from that dead life. With his Spirit living in you, your body will be as alive as Christ's!

 12-14So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!

 15-17This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him!

 18-21That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

 22-25All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

 26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

 29-30God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.

 31-39So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

   They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
   We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

May 14, 2009

out of the zone

No...not the Mavs. Another - painful - blog for another time.

Zone - meaning "comfort zone".

Yesterday was one of my favorite days ever w/school-type-stuff. I went w/my daughter's class on the 1st grade "mission trip" they do every year. Its a hard trip to take and I assume not the most popular one that mommies/daddies want to tag along for...the whole 1st grade goes to a nursing home to sing, recite scripture, and spend some time talking to the folks about Christ. Yep, that's right...its not just a go-and-sing-and-smile show, they actually spend time talking about Christ. And now you understand why - I'm guessing - its not the most popular trip to go on.

What is more scary: stepping out of your comfort zone and talking boldy about Christ to strangers OR stepping outside your comfort zone and going to a nursing home where it can feel scary and uncomfortable? I dunno. But I'll tell you, it was about the coolest thing I've ever seen.

Let me lay it out for you:

We walk in with 80 or so 1st graders, 4 teachers, and about 25 parents, I'd guess. As we walk in, you are first assaulted with that smell, feel, taste of illness...you cant deny it. It is a scary feeling, even if you've been in places like this before (and it was a VERY nice place, by the way) and know what to expect. There are strange sounds...people crying out, or just crying in pain/sadness, lots of wheel-chaired folks parked around - just trying to get a change of scenery, I suppose.

When you're 7ish, it can be scary.

When you're 39ish, it can be scary.

We head to the dining room and some of the healthier folks are there waiting. Kiddos set up and teachers start the lil jambox of tunes. The kids sing well w/sweet hand motions and all seem to enjoy. I watch - thru tears - as I can see kids' faces get fearful when they hear a person in the back crying out. But, then, recover quickly - like kiddos do - and smile and sing. Then, they recite their memory verses..."Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert..." - they were perfect and precious.

After 3 songs and 4 different memory verses, each parent takes a group of kids (I had Maya and a friend) out to go and visit with the folks individually for about 45 mins. Kiddos had bracelets to give (with beads representing the salvation story) and a "book" they made on their own to read to these sweet people.

And that's when the reality of where we were and what we were doing hit me, because my daughter says to me, "Mommy, I want to leave...I'm really scared...why are people making loud noises? I want to leave." And, so, like any good Mommy I said to her: "There is nothing to be scared of...you are safe. People sometimes just have bodies that dont work as well as they used to...they are the same people on the inside and our being here makes them happy. If you feel nervous, just smile and remember, when you smile you are loving on them...and we need to love everyone the way Jesus would want us to." It worked somehow...the rest of the day, she had a sweet smile ready at all times.

And then, something really cool happened...BOLDNESS happened. I watched as she spoke with confidence and even gave her own bracelet when we ran out of bracelets to hand out. I watched as she emerged from the protection of her comfort zone...and boldly stepped out to love those who may seem unloveable.

She's 7. And I'm 39. I dont step out enough.

Ya see, I serve God and am willing to share of what He's done in my life WITHIN my comfort zone...and I convince myself that is all that's asked of me. How often do I love the unloveable or smile at the ones who dont seem to see anything worth smiling about? I have so much to learn.

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May 08, 2009

friday felicities

Been awhile, but thought I'd give it a go and see if I remember how to do this...

Five things I do truly love right now...

1) This blog - anytime someone signs off with "Razzle Dazzle, Side Hugs and old school Leg Drops" - I know its a read for ME. Great stuff...really funny, but profound at the same time. Check it out.

2) The genius idea of using different journals for different things...whoa...that's revolutionary, eh? Currently have one going for medical notes, one for quiet time/prayer stuffstuff, one for specific prayer EXPERIMENT I'm working on (hmmm, that might be a blog of its own), and one for all the Bible study ideas that swarm in my mind. Just got these wittle-bittle ones that I love.

3) My favorite Christmas present...ever. Well, maybe not EVER, but still. I especially love the picture of relaxeddude enjoying his jams. It keeps me happy all day - music all day - is there anything sweeter?

4) Getting good news from sweet friends...on a day that seems to be overwhelmed with bad news.

5) Today's My Utmost for His Highest message. Sigh.

Here's to "a life that can face anything it has to face without wavering"...love u all

May 07, 2009

no title for this one

This poem was brought to my attention today (in a great book by Ravi Zacharias called Cries of the Heart) and it struck me still...I just had to stop and type. I had to spread the word...that for each of us who suffers quietly (or not so quietly) with our own burdens, struggles - big, small and in between - that we are never alone even when we feel like it. Only One knows your pain and your agony. No matter how many phone calls, FB status updates, or tv shows you watch to numb/mask/pacify yourself...the One does know what you are trying to put away and hide.

I hate bad stuff. I hate pain. And, if you know me at all, you know I hate conflict of ANY kind. But, I can tell you this - I've lived thru some JUNK. And, no matter how bad/hard/weird things get, at the end of the day I want my life to show that I believe THIS:

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;
To added affliction, He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials His multiplied peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed e're the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father's full giving has only begun.

His love has no limit, His grace has no measure,
His power has no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again!

- Annie Johnston Flint


Its true. I know it. I dont always feel it, but I know it. You can, too. Trust me.

April 28, 2009

unfinished

So...I spent the day on the couch feeling sorry for my sick-self. I'm not very sick...more than likely a cold (no swine here, folks - relax) - but none-the-less I've had a down day and spent lots of it thinking about stuff.

Just got a new album on iTunes - Brandon Heath bc I love a song called "Wait and See". I was listening to it today as I thought thru some stuff on my drive to school. Ya see, life has this way of reminding me of times/places that I've messed up. Its as tho - just when I feel like I'm on the right track in my judgements/priorities/decisions - someone sits on my shoulder and reminds me of all the times I let my emotions run my words/actions/etc. Ah man, there are so many times I look back and think, "can I EVER undo that?"

Judgements on people. Words that indict others. Jumping onboard a ship of fools - only to realize that I wasnt really supposed to be sailing onboard anything that I didnt let God drive. (did I go too far on that analogy?) Maybe I'm talking in circles...but, for me, I just really caught myself in a place where I felt like..."whew...I'm glad He's not finished with me yet".

I'm unfinished. That's SO true.

Something this year has really taught me was this: perfection should never be my goal - godliness should. Sounds contradictory eh? Well...for me, its not. Here's why - I can NEVER be perfect (I hear all of my people saying "amen" to that as they know TOO well that I'm FAR from perfect, right??). I waste my energy trying. I waste my time rehashing past mistakes. I waste God's purpose for why I AM here by going back in time and camping out in all of my failures.

Instead of seeking to undo the mess-ups (however, dont get me wrong - consequences to mistakes are NECESSARY and so is seeking forgiveness, etc.), I need to focus on letting God shape my messy lump of a life into something that in the end He can mold and use. I see 'godliness' as a 'process of finishing' me. By trying to be who He wants me to be - in spite of my many screwups - I give Him the lead. I give Him to opportunity to use my mess toward His finished product...a life well-lived that reflects something of Him to everyone else.

Today I was overwhelmed with memories of bad advice and judgements I've made in the past. My first thought was to bow out..."I can have NO impact here bc of all my past mistakes". But then I heard these words of this song...

There is hope for me yet
Because God won’t forget
All the plans he’s made for me
I have to wait and see
He’s not finished with me yet

Still wondering why I’m here
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh, He’s up to something
And the farther on I go
I’ve seen enough to know
That I’m, not here for nothing
He’s up to something


It's never too late. I don't have to get it all right to be useful to Him. He puts people/situations in my life for reasons. No coincidences here. So, if that's true, I have to remember not to be defeated in my failures. "There is hope for me yet." I'm unfinshed...but I want to be on my way to being finished.

"So whether you eat, drink, or whatever you do (or however badly you failed in the past), do it all for the glory of God." 1st Corintians 10:31 (italics added by me)