Kris' Blogorama

light and shadow

Whew.

What a week. It was not an easy one...and I know it wont be the last time I have a "not easy one". Its funny, I was overwhelmed with peace thru the whole kid-in-the-hospital-with-mysterious-infection-thing. I dont know why...wait, I do...

I've been thinking a lot about some great words from a great man. My friend Don Brown said to me once, "faith is remembering". (He also said lots of other things like "dont be a vienna sausage" and "silly rabbit, roads are for vans", too - but I digress)

Faith is remembering.

How true is that for me/you? In the midst of the inevitable shadows of life, do I remember where He's brought me? Do I rest in that? Or do I panic...do I fuss bc my circumstances are not what I have planned out?

We got home from the hospital late friday. And so, yesterday was spent doing 10,000 loads of laundry and learning how to live at home again...getting back to life. As I was doing some cleaning out I came across a letter from a 15 year old kid that I had to stop and read...

"...no one can see the real me because I'm always faking a happy face...I'm hurting so bad I feel empty inside. I feel like I'm not even really alive - living but just here."

My first thought was - "ah man...the pain that poor kid was in". She didnt see the "out" - she only saw how to live in the mess and just survive. I wish I could tell her - "dont be afraid...you'll make it thru this darkness and when you do, you'll remember - you'll never forget - where you came from".

Remembering. Remembering that when you're kid is sick and you cant understand the "why" - you can remember that He'll never leave. Remembering that even in the darkest night that you could imagine - when you're 15 even - that you are never forsaken...no matter how alone you feel. And, if you trust Him...if you let Him get you on the other side of it, you'll remember.

Faith is remembering. I never want to forget. And yea...that 15 year old was me.

When I ran today, a DCB song came on that I hit repeat about 20 times...it was exactly where I am right today. Coincidence? Nah...I know those dont exist.

Shadows

Life is full of light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow

And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night

When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When all seems lost
When we're thrown and we're tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in Him
Shadow of the cross

can u change?

Wondering today as I ran - is it possible to change? I mean - for realz. Change. Not just adjust, but change something so completely that someone might notice...or circumstances might change in your life.
Well, I've decided that YES change can occur...we arent set in our ways bc "thats just the way I am" or "well, my mom was like that so I'll be like that too" or "this must just be the way God wants me to be...I mean why else would He make me this way?".

A year ago I was all shingled up and ended up on all sorts of gross meds for about 6 months. Cause of my virus?

Stress. Hmmm. Well. OK.

Bottom line, things had to change...and they continue to change - slowly and at times a bit painfully. But I will say this, if it were up to ME, I'd probably be right back to where I was - I have a tendency to return to things that are comfortable and that I feel like I can control. Ya know, change can be like putting shoes on the wrong feet...feels so much better to go back to what we know.

But, God shook my world a bit and I decided that I was done trying to be the I-can-fix-everyone-girl, the I-need-to-make-you-happy-girl, the I'm-always-available-girl, or even the I-want-everyone-to-approve/like-me-girl. I figured out that things were going to get even uglier if I continued to serve everyone else in this world and not stop and ask Who I should really serve (and no, I dont mean Brent...although he might disagree). 

So...can we change? Well, I'm trying...and I'm seeing some things happen. Here's the deal tho, it's not all on me...I cant do it alone. I have to ask/beg for God to be at the center of all this. The second I feel chaos, I know that I've dropped the ball and gone back to MY way. When there's peace - its usually Him and not me. Comfortable peace? Not always. Thats fo sho. But, He never ever said "in this world, things will be easy and comfy..." - did He?

So, I'll never quit hoping that He can continue to change me...or that He can change others who need/want to change, too. But for this formerly shingly, over-pleasing, over-yessing, over-worried girl, I'll take shoes on the wrong feet anyday...I dont want to go backward.

~

Some stuff that is changing for me...how I train for running/triathlon, how I pray for others, what I tell, what I choose to know, how I spend my time, how I am a friend, who I commit to, who I allow in, what I obligate myself to do, what I care about, how I love others, where I spend my time, how I prioritize, Who's opinion I seek 1st...

snippits from a 5 miler

Its funny. When I run, I am talking/thinking/praying/blogging like mad. I thought today - people who are driving by have NO idea what is running thru this crazy brain of mine. And so...I thought it'd be funny to note some of the things runnin thru my earphoned head for your enjoyment...I know, I'm a little crazy...I know.

1. Its cold...and that Barney song is in my head "its c-c-cold burr, I wish I had fur, I wish I was a bear w/furry furry hair, its cold!" (now I snicker to myself)
2. 3 footfalls where I hit ball of foot on crack in a row...must even it out...OK, now right foot hits 3 times and then hits on the heel...ah man, must even it out
3. someone is doing the laundry
4. I GET TO. I GET TO. I GET TO. Thank You Lord that I can and I get to...strike words "HAVE TO" from my brain/vocabulary
5. these lyrics on iPod:
   they will see us waving from such great heights
   "come down now" they'll say
   but everything looks perfect from far away
   "come down now" but we'll stay
6. muddy sidewalks...muddy shoes...ew
7. I'm hot...this run is awesome (rolling up sleeves)
8. walk at the top - walk at the top - walk at the top - walk at the top
9. THE TOP. THE TOP. Dont walk - dont walk - dont walk
10. Asking God to check in on some people that keep crossing my mind: friend w/hubby on his way to war, friend w/medical worries, family w/weight of the world, and it goes on...
11. I GET TO. I GET TO. I GET TO.
12. Asking God what song is coming next?
13. He throws this one out there on my iPod: You are my joy, You are my joy, You are my joy, You are my joy
14. How do people still smoke? Stinky suburban just drove by
15. Maya is worried about word problems at school - Lord, give her some confidence
16. I love talking to my bro Steve on the phone
17. OUCH - stitch in my shoulder
18. Can I get discernment in the good times as well as the bad times? I dont want to just ask for direction when I'm struggling. Thanks God that I get to run and think
19. I love these shoes
20. They are muddy now, tho
21. I GET TO. I GET TO. I GET TO.
22. A good story is when a character has to overcome great struggles to achieve something. Do I have a good story? Day to day?
23. I love squashing acorns
24. More lyrics on the iPod, wow love these:
    Like a breath of fresh air and the wind at my back
    Toe to heel with strong strides taking miles off the map
    In this journey called life where Ive walked so far
    Under the heat of your sun and the shine of your stars

Funny right? And so, next time you are driving past some goofball running down the sidewalk, remember you never ever know what is REALLY going on in that head of hers. I love the run. I love it.

cardboard testimony

I mentioned not too long ago that our church did a cardboard testimony-thing and I was asked to get in on it. Hmmmm, I wasnt too sure about this. Its like standing up there naked in front of 100s of people. Not pretty.

Well, I'll tell ya...it was one of the coolest moments in my life...a chance to walk the walk that I try to talk. A chance to let my life speak for itself. A chance to remind others - and myself - that when the unimaginable happens in this life, He never leaves...He never ever leaves. In fact, if you are looking closely, He's taking care of you...like He did for me. Not in the way that you might expect, but He promises He'll never leave us. I'm a perfect example of that. He took care of me in 100s of ways, but when I thought of doing this thing, one way came to mind. The coolest moment in my life where He reminded me that He was there with me...when I was leaving Frontier Ranch and all my friends were waiting to hug me as I left early after Dad died. And, one person stood out...one person who was "that new guy" and I'd only formally met him earlier that day. Why was THAT guy there to hug me? Hmmm. Weird.

Well, now I know. Its because I have a God who loves me more than I could ever put words on. He loves me enough to give me hope and a future.

So, if you want, take 10 minutes and see what God can/does do in lives when we open our eyes to see Him there all along. He may not stop the bad junk in life all the time, but sometimes those bad things end up being the biggest example of the greatest love there is. 

Cardboard Testimonies (oh, mine is about 6 minutes in or so)

FEAR. (all caps are scary, eh?)

Fear. There, I said it.

It's the topic I'm most focused on as of about 3 weeks ago (well, that's a lie - I've just REALIZED its the topic I'm most motivated by in most situations).It's the topic that we - as parents - try to keep our kids from being ruled by, but, yet we tend to let it have a vice grip over our lives...

I don't want to speak up -
I'm afraid someone might disagree

I don't want to step out on a limb -
I'm afraid someone might not approve

I don't want to let go of toxic relationships -
I'm afraid they'll think I'm not a "good Christian"

I don't want to tell my kids certain truths -
I'm afraid the truth will taint their perception

I don't want to make decisions on my own -
I'm afraid I will be wrong

I don't want to admit my fears rule me -
I'm afraid I'll seem weak unless I keep up the front

Hmmm...I could go on and on. (But, I'm afraid I might offend some people...dang it, there I go again!) Fear dominates my motivations...it really does. I've started praying that God would show me areas that fear dominates (primarily because FEAR is the topic of our Mommies in Connection get-together 10/1 and I'm working on some stuff for that) my life. I'm thinkin' - OK, there might be a few things that will help me CONNECT with others...just a few. Well - gulp - I was shock-n-awed at how fast all the fears were coming at me. REALLY?? For REAL? Uh...yea...for real.

I started recognizing (and writing in my journal) those most common things that trouble me...things that are a stumbling blocks for me (see above for partial list) and realized at the core of each was a fear of something. Crazy talk.

Ya know, this all started because in MIC we were going to deal with fears that our children have...and then it grew from there. I realized this: how can I help my kiddos walk thru/overcome their fears when I'm allowing my life to be ruled by fears? 

In my favorite parenting book there is a point that I love and underlined a few times:

"Learning always involves two steps: stopping old behaviors, then starting new ones."

Its not as easy as saying, "Lord, I'm NO LONGER afraid". You have to stop being fearful and then start a new behavior. For me, that new behavior is trusting God.

Ya see, I'm realizing - while I like to say that I trust Him with my life - I am only trusting Him as far as I can STILL maintain some control...I'm trying to keep fixing/manipulating because I'm afraid of what may come next. Is that trust? Nah. Not trust.

In the Bible, there is one command (in one form or another) recorded more than any other from God/Jesus: DO NOT BE AFRAID. He knew we'd be chained to fear...consumed by it. He also knew He had to repeat Himself 100s of times to get the point across (He really IS a parent isnt He?).

And so, what will I do with this? Well...I'm asking Him to help me see and stop my fears. Just like w/my kids, most of the time I do NOT have all the answers to their fears, but I do know that my job is to help them move past those fears. And then, I'm making baby steps to live differently...it feels weird, I assure you. But, I'm willing. I'm ready.

So I ask you - what are you afraid of?

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2nd Timothy 1:7 NLT

That fear ain't from Him, y'all...it's all us. I wanna be DONE with fear. Don't you?

Brave

Been thinkin on the whole topic of FEAR and BRAVERY in the midst of it. Read one of my fav blogs today and this was his post. Great read.

Be brave, all. I'm trying, too.

my fav song

OK. So, music is one of my great loves in life. You prob know that by now.

I go in phases and right now - just today - I've listened to my current fav song like 4 times. Its funny, I can blog like a crazy person, but I've never been able to write songs or poetry. I find songs that say it for me and decide to adopt them as my own. Today is one of those days. I'm just overwhelmed w/how great these words are. So, its a short-cut-blog fo sho, but its where I am today. I'll bold the part that keeps replaying in my head and in my prayers today...greatness. Luv it.

"Poor Boy"

like a breath of fresh air and the wind at my back
toe to heel with strong strides taking miles off the map
in this journey called life where i’ve walked so far
under the heat of your sun and shine of your stars
step by step i’ve crept i’ve crawled and i’ve run
felt the palm of your hand and the barrel of death's gun
i ran for my life stood strong through strife
from a miscarried live to waiting for my life like
i heard it sung a thousand strong all night long
heard heavens bell gong something long
its like i’ve been there in total despair
now i’ve tasted and i’ve touched
a breath of fresh air

‘cause i do live and i hope and pray
for something better and brighter today
for something there for something there

‘cause i was just a poor boy living in a poor world
but you gave me more love that set me free
‘cause i was just a poor boy living in a poor world
but you gave me more love that set me free

like road trips on open roads
windows down sun setting a fresh new clothes
shoes off so you can stop reflecting on all these paths unfolding
with these staffs that are pulling in this world so controlling
its not always best to take the interstate
sometimes the most is on the winding coast way
‘cause wide is the path pulling astray
narrow is truth in these days
but all the while i hear a still small voice say
you climbed the cliffs rocked the desert on your very own
swam the seas, sang the songs with the sweetest tones
the beaches you’ve combed moons you’ve roamed
and love you've shown
but all the while a voice calls you home

like a coming of age on the road less traveled
from the concrete streets to the back woods gravel
from the cage to the stage as my wings unravel
you won the war though i’m still fighting battles
‘cause i’ve hoped and i’ve fallen
i’ve ran and i’ve stalled
i’ve hung up and i’ve called
i’ve laughed and i’ve balled
but through it all i’m standing tall
‘cause i heard your call, sing it out ya'll

God sandwich

I do love me a sandwich.

Funny thing...on Sunday I was STRUCK by how God brings things to be and then if we are trying to see them, its like He gives us a lil clue of what He was thinking just then. I like that part of Him, you know...the tricky/sneaky/deep part. Let me 'splain...

We arrived for church Sunday - packed house bc it was the 10:15 service and we usually do the later one for that very reason - the 1st song was going and we were a lil late. I saw a sweet new friend that I've been getting to know recently...a friend who I'd say I know only well enough to say that she makes me laugh and I love talking to her when I get the chance. We sneaked in past them and LO AND BEHOLD (yes..."lo") on the other side of me was Dan and his gorgeous (inside and out) wife Violet. Dan, ya see, was the beloved hubby of my bff Kim whom I lost to cancer 10 years ago. Sigh. Ten years.

Loved our seats this packed Sunday...between 2 great chapters of my life that I cherish. (And of course my hubby was with me...rounding out the perfect sandwich - a secret sauce if you will) And then my new friend reached over and said, "I have to talk to you sometime soon. I heard about your cardboard testimony last week and...well...we have the same testimony." (note: more on this in another blog...for now, you can hear the sermon "overcomers" on the website...video will be there soon I'm told) Ya see, her daddy died the same way mine did. She was in my life for purpose...maybe comfort for me, maybe for her, but definitely not a coincidence. "Wow" was about all I could say...we promised to talk soon and she gave me a knowing look that reminded me that I'm not alone in this life of hard stuff.

Then, as we were praying, it struck me - on my left was my past, but He was still using it and walking thru it with me. On my right was my past, but the past that was my turning point in my faith...going thru cancer and then death with Kim was the 'changer' for my life. It was the turn in my life where I let God take my mess and turn it in His direction.

A God sandwich...right there on Sunday morning.

I dont believe in coincidences. I dont think in that church of 100s of folks we just HAPPENED to sit there. He was telling me something pretty cool...and I was listening. (that last part is rare, I assure u)

Dont miss those God sandwiches...I just picture Him up there goin..."Awwww c'mon Kris, dont ya see it? Cant ya see it? Quit focusing on yourself and stuff that doesnt really matter. I'm trying to tell you something here...just see it. I never left you then...or then...and I wont now."

Whew. I think I got it.

I love sandwiches.

Drought continues...

Blog drought is still in full-swing, but I read this from January and it kinda made me laugh. Thought it was worth a repost. I like random facts. When I wrote these I was still on pain-killers and walking thru the shingles nightmare...seems like yesterday.

Have a good day...and dont give up on me. Blog will commence sometime soon:

~~

Once tagged, write a note with 16 random things, shortcomings, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end, choose 16 people to be tagged. Oh, and tag the person who tagged you.

1 - I'm listening to David Crowder in my new Bose earphones right now
2 - I haven't worked out since October 1st
3- jingling keys, silverware, or coins makes my left ear hurt
4 - I am poppy. Every bone, joint, ligament, etc. pops on me...my kids say they can always hear me coming down the hallway bc I creak/crack/pop. My Piper asks me "why do u always pop your knuckles when u drive?"
5 - I love dishes and drinking glasses
6 - I'm currently avoiding taking down all my Christmas stuff (see #16)
7 - I was in the CHARTER class of Marcus High School - 88 rulz
8 - I luv all pizza...had Coalvines last nite and me/Brent cleaned out a large w/no prob
9 - I have an orange bike named "mango"
10 - My fav book of all time is "The Hiding Place" by Corrie Ten Boom
11 - One of my goals for 09 is to be better at being a wife
12 - In June I have my 15 year anniversary
13 - God healed my Braeden a few years ago - He decided to make a tumor in his pituitary gland just disappear
14 - I dont believe in coincidences
15 - When I was growing up, we had a goat named "Goata" who liked to jump on car hoods
16 - I tend to procrastinate...but more on that later

Blogless in the Mound

So sorry to my bloggy friends who actually DO check in on my blog...been a drought around here in blogorama-land. Trying to re-prioritize and that means these days, most of my blogs have been in my HEAD. Please do understand.

I'll tell ya, I'm learning lots of stuff this summer...learning what God seeks in me and learning how to slowly but...well...just slowly...try to make changes to my WAYS that are too comfortable and too easy for me. Most of the changes include how I set boundaries...how/what I say "yes of course" to...and, how I decided what comes first. Change never feels good...kinda like putting on your shoes on the wrong feet.

Anyway, cool stuff happening and I'm excited to feel "useful" to a God who has bigger plans than I could ever think out. Dont give up on me, I'll be bloggin again soon. But for now, I'll continue bloggin in my noggin and hope to be back at it soon.

In the meantime, say a lil prayer for me as I launch a groovy new ministry for mommies at church...nervously excited...prayerfully expectant. Remembering this: whether you eat, drink, or whatever you do, do it ALL for the glory of God. - 1st Corinthians 10:31.

Bloglessly yours,
Kris