Kris' Blogorama

How do we see what doesnt seem to be there?

This summer I lead Maya and 8 of her sweet lil friends in a Bible study on the Fruits of the Spirit. It was an amazingly rewarding experience – as you can imagine. But, on one of the study days I was asked a question that has truly stayed with me...and left me realizing that it truly is the question we ALL have, not just sweet lil girls.

I was teaching them on “peace” and shared the story of Peter walking on water...only sinking when he focused on his troubles (the waves) and not on Christ. Showing them that there is a way to achieve peace in the madness of real life. It's our God. What a story of peace, eh? One sweet lil girl put her finger on her nose (our version of “raising your hand”) and asked me:

  “But how do we keep our eyes on Jesus when
He’s not here to see with our eyes?”

Whoa Nelly. Big thoughts from a lil girl. Little did she know, that she was asking the question that we all have in some way. And so it hasn’t left me.

How do we see Him? How do we look to Him - right where we are? 

Of course I attacked the question quickly in generic Christian-eze of: "the Bible is our way to know Him" and "seeing Christ in others' actions/lives'" and "prayer is our direct line to Him". But the question just won't leave me.

How do I keep my eyes on Him when He's hard to see? How do I look to Him in my own storms when there is no clear picture of Him motioning me forward?

And so I ask you - how do you? I'm curious...how would you answer that Q? 

Pain for purpose?

OK...so...I'm contemplating setting a lofty goal. I'm pro/con-ing and hem-hawing all over the place. Why is it that when there's some pain involved in the gain that the decision seems unclear? I mean - for real - how much time do I spend asking God for "direction" when its something fun or easy? (don't answer that)

Pain. Yikes. I'm not good w/pain. As I'm typing, I still have bandage and splint on my gimpy finger. It hurts and I'm SKURD to take off the blessed protective splint. Ouch.

So...back to the goal. I've been gettin a real nagging desire to set a big fitness goal again ever since I had to can my 2nd 1/2 Ironman race (I backed out this summer so hubby could do Leadville 100...yes, good wife). I have to have a goal...a date on the calendar or my goggle/bike/shoes start gathering dust. Well - dust is gathering and I'm getting antsy.

This go 'round tho, I'm feeling a pull to think bigger than just a "fitness goal". I need this one to NOT be about me...to be a purpose beyond me.

Pain for purpose. I can live with that.

So, I'm shopping marathons (I know, I said 'never again' - but that makes it all the more about the purpose, not about me)...and I'm looking to make this one about something bigger than me. For purpose.

I read this quote today and thought God just might be answering my prayers about this decision after all:

"When I'm racing for kids, it's like I'm racing for a team. When you are racing for somebody in need, it's that extra little push." - Chris Lieto

Stay tuned...and let me know if you are interested in a lil pain for a good cause, too...

Some things I know. 6/19/10

Whew...talk about a blog drought. Well, I'll be back soon - dont quit me.

Today - well actually at 11:59p last nite - I started this blog in my head.

Today is "the day".

Most of us have those days. You know, the day in your life when everything changed...the day that you were broken and just knew you'd never be fixed again. No matter how long ago the original day was OR how 'healed' you feel now, the day still looms. It burns a hole on your calendar and your life tends to revolve around it like the sun. In my mind, everything that happens in June is "x # of days away from THE DAY". 

Every year the day hits me differently, but no matter what, I'm always glad to check it off when its over. Today, my first thought about the day was "there are some things I know" - not just THINK, but KNOW - that came from this day. So, I needed to share...bc you need to know these things, too.

1) THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES. I could list all the reasons I know this, but its a truth that I'd stake my life on. I don't believe in random chance. I believe in order and a plan. For me, God's given me the chance to see that...by giving me a glimpse of all He's orchestrated in my life. Now relax, I dont mean I have some crazy visions or something. He gives us ALL that glimpse - its called memory - its just our choice if we choose to look at it. He stepped into my life at ski camp - 6 months before "the day". We in the YL world laugh bc "no one gets saved at ski camp!!". I did. No accident. He knew what was coming. He also planted a new kid in my life on that trip...ya know, the one I "BORROWED" water from under a rock in the Grand Canyon w/Ronny B. He was my distraction on the way home...he's my distraction STILL.

2) PAIN IS A GIFT. I can still taste the thick air when Don had to tell me what would surely crush me. And it did...crush me. And, in all honesty, continues to at times. But, there is beauty in those ashes. My friends laugh bc I am a funeral groupee (Krystals words!). I know how it feels to be on that front pew. I know the numbness and the ache and the darkness. I still remember the faces of my friends who were there for me. I'll never, ever, ever forget their faces. Walking thru the pain allows me an understanding. I can choose to be a comforter the way my God comforted me...or I can avoid revisiting that dark place like the plague. For me, I feel like its part of my purpose here (dont laugh)...and if I can make ANY sense of the pain that I had/have to help someone else walk thru theirs, well...then...it helps me understand #3 a little better.

3) PURPOSE IS A REAL THING. Read any blog I've ever written about death and loss and you'll know I will BEG you to never tell a grieving friend that "its all a part of God's plan" or that "He has purpose in everything". Sheesh. Really? Is that comforting? Uh...no. Duh. But, it's true. It's true. It's true. (It's just not something a hurting person needs to hear right then) I know that the yuck I've walked thru in my life fit together in this massive puzzle that is 'life on earth'...I do. I've gotten to see times where I say to myself "ohhhhhhhh...I see now". It may sound dorky, but it makes me excited to see it ALL layed out before me when I get to Heaven. All of it...for purpose.

4) FEEL STUFF. On this day there's always that urge to say "C'mon, its been YEARS...its time to just move on". Well, that's just foolish. Do you think He gave me feelings for no reason? They're not accidental...it still hurts...it still makes me sad and angry and confused. Just bc of #1-3, I'm still feeling it...and, lying to myself about that is detrimental. I have to face feelings...and aching and walk thru it. The truth is, my kids WILL have trouble...their lives WILL give them pain and struggle. I want them to know my truth...that you gotta walk thru the fire and come out the other side, not just run from it.

5) I'M NOT ALONE. I don't meet very many folks who have gone thru my same situation...most have very different stories. Same hurt, different stories. But I do know that I'm never ever alone. Whether He puts someone right in my path, right at the moment I need them OR whether its just a word I get when I read His Word to me. I'm never alone. He's my own personal God...He knows it all. Ya know, I think about how I comfort my sweet kiddos when they hurt. I hug and wipe tears, but often times my words are, "I know, I know, it hurts, I know..." He knows me just that same way. And y'all - I know it sounds weird - but there have been more times than I can count where I almost audibly heart those very words in my ear. He knows. I may not always get rescued, but I'm never by myself. He knows.

I'm thankful for this day...I'm REALLY thankful for TOMORROW when it's over. But I'm not afraid to face it...bc in so many ways its made me who I am. Its part of me that I cant undo...and would never ever want to.

Lasts...and Matts

Holy moly.

So, last night was the last MIC until September (official MIC, that is - we'll have a few UNDERGROUND gatherings over the summer, tho). Not sure what I've told about MIC on my bloggy, but its been the thing God has put on my plate since late last summer. Who'da THUNK it...but He had some plans for me and I'm just trying my best to obey and ride the waves that He sends my way. MIC is a mommies group that we started at my church in Sept...a way for moms to connect and encourage each other all while trying to figure out what God intends our role as "mommy" to look like.

Its been humbling. I've seen/heard/enjoyed some blessings that I never knew I'd get to taste. I've gotten to share crazy mom stories w/other mamas and hear the "amen sista" that reminds me I'm not alone. I've gotten to watch Christ transform some lives...I even got to watch a mama get baptized and stand in the water tank - braver than I've ever been - and read her 'testimony' to a packed house (about the single coolest moment in my Christian walk so far, I think) .

Humbling.

Well, last nite was a pretty great culmination of our first official school year of MIC. We had Kym Carter from Legacy Moms come speak to us about being intentional with our kiddos during the summer.

Whew. Awesomeness.

Too much to rebroadcast right here right now (check the MIC blog bc I'm planning on posting tidbits for the next few weeks) - but there was ONE thought that blew my mind.

LASTS.

Kym brought up the fact that as moms we focus on so many "firsts": first steps, first tooth, first day of school, first girlfriend (yikes). But how often do we stop and realize that there are just as many "lasts". The last time you'll feed him a bottle in the middle of the night. The last time she'll ask to play Candyland with you. The last time they'll play pretend games or watch Max n Ruby together. The last time he'll hug you in front of his friends. The last time she'll want you to come eat lunch at school with her.

Lasts.

I felt overwhelmed with a real sense that THIS is going to be the summer that I unplug more...skip out on camps more...ignore the pressures and just be with them. Be with them the way they want to be with me. In the sprinklers. Hiking the trail. Playing games. Teaching them the greatness of card games (yes...another lost art and a blog in itself). Swimming with them and not just watching. I want to be intentional with my crew. They are the most important blessings God has gifted me with...and where do I place the majority of my efforts? If I even have to THINK on that...then I'm not doing it right.

Girls - well, all parents, really - our #1 ministry (or if you like churchy words - "calling") is in our homes. If we are short-changing them at home, then we are failing.

I don't want to miss my chances to be the mom God intended for me to be bc I'm too busy...or bc I'm falling into the trap of suburbia-peer-pressure. I don't want to miss the beauty of the lasts. 

MATTS.

As I type this - with mounds of laundry waiting to be folded I'm listening to my "Matts" playlist (great title right? Its Mat Kearney, Matt Nathanson, and Matt Wertz - chilled out good tunes) and this song came on. And you know how me likes music/lyrics. 

I Just Realized by Matt Wertz

Slippin out the window, lazy cotton breeze
Sittin on the front porch, you are next to me
Hear the leaves clappin, buzzin of a bee
Sun is summer glowin, its like a symphony

And I just realized what you mean to me
And I just realized what you mean to me

Dang...those Matts know how to put my feelings into words. Its time to focus on my lil people and not miss the good stuff. I hope you'll do the same with me this summer. He gave me this gift - to be a mom to this crazy kids. I don't want to miss it...

a product of your history?

So...I went for a run...its always the coolest times for me. Good prayer time and lots of thinking time. Today I was just going for a quick one to work out the soreness from a race this wkend. And as I was finishing up, I heard a new song I'd never heard before (just added this to my iPod today bc we are going to see this band live tomorrow nite for 2nd time).

Well, I'll let you read the lyrics and see what they mean to you. To me, it was a pretty great message that I needed to hear today. God knew I needed this word...wow.

I'm not a product of my history...and neither are you. Needed that today.

Father's Day - Stephen Kellogg & the Sixers

The way she held my hand
And then gave me a faint little smile

Like she knew that I
Might be gone, gone for a while

And if you're looking for advice my dear
I have nothing to say
I am always at a loss for words
When you look at me that way
But the bruises keep the breaks at bay
On Father's Day

And the flowers they did bloom
On the day that you were born
They're like diamonds littering
All across on my shores

And if you're looking for advice my dear
I have nothing to say
I am always at a loss for words
When you look at me that way
But the bruises keep the breaks at bay
On Father's Day

But you can make yourself better
Better than me
You are more than just a product of your history
You're like you Mom, little girl
And believe me, that's the best thing in the world

And I'm sorry for the things that get messed up
And they will be places that you may not get enough
And some memories you wish you never had
But won't kill you makes you stronger
And you just tell them
You got that from your dad

And if you're looking for advice my dear
I have nothing to say
I am always at a loss for words
When you look at me that way
And I'll always, always love you
No matter what you do
When you're growing up without me
I will always be with you
Must be something in the way that I was raised
And the bruises keep the breaks at bay
Yeah the bruises keep the breaks at bay
On Father's Day

I love/hate funerals

Man. I bet I'm the #1 funeral goer of all time - a title I'm not too sure is a GOOD title, but none-the-less, its my lot and so I'll take it. Funerals and I have a love/hate thing going on...the hate thing is probably pretty easy to understand, but the love part? I know...weird. Here's the breakdown...

HATE funerals

Loss. Pain. It's not hard to hate on funerals.

I've been on the front row many times of these things - too many times in my opinion, but never without purpose, I firmly believe. There's an uncomfortable emptiness - a hole in the gut - that you feel when you line the pews to say goodbye. For me, I hate it (during those funerals when I'm not the one in the front row) bc I know what those front-row-ers are feeling, living, tasting. I know it - like it was yesterday. And worse than that, I know what is to come. I know those next few weeks/months...and, I ache for them. 

I hate it because there are NO perfect words to fix the hurting. I hate it  because people say the wrong words or try to make sense of it for you when they really should just hug you, cry with you, and ache with you and stop trying to put words on it. I hate it bc...

Death came too early. 

That person had lots of good living to come.

But why THIS person?

I have regrets...I didn't say/do the things I wish I would've.

No one wants to go to funerals; most will make excuses to avoid them. I go to them every chance I get, bc I know what it's like to be in the front row. I hate funerals.

LOVE funerals

Second-chances. That's the main thing I love about funerals. And no, not for the dearly departed...I suppose they don't have that second chance. But, when I go to funerals I'm reminded of how brief and finite this life is. No matter what kind of car I have or how cute my new haircut is, when it's over - none of that matters. Should it matter now? (well the hair, YES...)

I guess what I'm saying is, life is a series of circumstances and occurrences. Any of which - good or bad - can be that moment...that life marker that you look back on and say, "now THAT was when it all changed for me." Funerals can/should be that for each of us.

We are finite. We are all dying. We sit in a pew with a chance to continue living our lives (unlike the one we're honoring at the funeral). We have choices to make. How will we choose to step outside of this church and continue?

At funerals, we can see the glory of some of the most beautiful moments of love if we really look. We hear words/memories that have shaped those who are there...lives impacted and changed. Some of the most precious words are the ones spoken thru love...and finality. There's a reality there that cuts thru pretenses of our everyday life...a chance to say those things that we regret not saying to the person before they died.

And for me, I see funerals as a chance to see the one true God and how He loves us - despite us. There is nothing that makes me bolder in my trust of what is to come after this life - and being bold enough to speak it out loud - than a funeral. If there EVER was a time to examine and think about it, it's at the end of life on this earth.

How do you go on - walk out the parking lot in said car, with said cute haircut - without thinking thru the AFTER? How do you have hope if you don't deal with a God who created us...and created us to die this life here on earth?

HOPE. A funeral is hope to me. A chance to remember - to stop in the midst of the craziness of my regular life - and remember what I believe. What I want to LIVE out as long as I'm here.

He loves me. No matter how many funerals I've cried through. He's never left me - regardless of what row I was on while I mourned. He's never forsaken me - no matter how badly it ached and seemed it'd never stop.

I know Him...personally. I know where I'll be when I'm done here. When I go, you can all stand up and say it - you can leave with your cute hairstyles and remember that. And if you can't say the same thing about your own life w/100% certainty, then don't wait for a funeral to remind you that you need to figure that out.

So, Monday I'll waterproof my mascara and I'll wear fancy shoes...and I'll cry with my sweet friend and I'll hate it. And...I'll thank Him for funerals, too.

my godly mutt

Re-blogging this one today, bc I'm reminded again how UN-godly I can be and just how godly my dawg is.

~~~

Just got back from taking mutts for a walk...the single greatest reward I can give them (and I dont do it enough). And, as I was walking/watching/laughing at Duke (the big ol 120 lab of the duo) I thought about the greatness that is DUKE.

He's a godly mutt, truly and here are 5 compelling reasons I think so...

1) He wakes up with ONE goal in mind - to spend time with me. The goal never changes as the day goes on, its all he wants. And, if the day doesnt end up w/enough time w/me, then he moves on to the next day and starts the same way...same goal. No looking back. No regrets.

2) He doesnt love me based on circumstances/attitudes or any other ever-changing variable. He just loves me. No matter what kind of mess I've made of the day or how I've treated him, he looks at me the same way every  day.

3) He will wiggle/lick/dance and just be a joyful mutt...no matter who is looking or what they think/say.

4) He doesnt seem to measure the success of his days based on how many walks/treats/pets he gets...he just enjoys what he gets...every second of it...as though its his last one.

5) He doesnt wish for a bigger yard...a fancier collar...a comfy-er bed. He is satisfied.

I wanna be like my godly mutt.

Neither sleepovers nor nerf gun fights...

Go check out the blog I just posted on MIC. Man, it was a fun one...give it a go - what is YOUR Romans 8:38-39 today?

A failing engine - driving way too hard

Whoa. Blog drought eh? Anyway...

During my run today I heard this lyric and I related:

"I am a troubled mind. I am a callous heart...a failing engine driving way too hard. I was trying way too hard."

yep. I can relate. If you are shaking your head in confusion and do not relate to that statement then, well, you are a liar...or you might want to think on it a bit longer. (hugs and kisses to this who are hating now)

Really y'all, this week I seem to be haunted with regrets...with reminders of how badly I fail sooo often...with shame times I've acted awful or treated others in a less than stellar way (whether they knew it or not).

But here's the good news - I'm completely unfixable. Ok maybe not GOOD news. It's true to a point...all those truths about me are not things I can clean up myself. I have the evidence of how I handle all that stuff myself.

What a burden lifted...I can't fix me. Stuff can't. Money can't. Working out can't. Music can't. A husband can't. Kids can't. Staying busy can't. Serving/working can't.

I'm a fixer by nature but this ones out of my league. Only the perfect One can fix the imperfect me.

I have one sure-fire way to overcome all the yuck I've done and will do. I'm so thankful that even when I feel overwhelmed w/regret that I can also find rest. He fixes the broken and loves the unloveable. I'm so dern glad.

My fav line in this song is... "I'll never second guess that little Voice I heard. It's just a whisper...that sounded like a scream. I ain't never been so free..."

Grace under pressure...and earpiercing

Ok...so yesterday was a big mommy day for me. EAR PIERCING DAY.

Maya is 7 - she's been asking for about a year. I've been putting it off - for about a year. Then one day, I realized, this is one of those times that I need to let her fight thru and be in charge of a decision for her life.

My first instinct was to protect and continue putting this off (for Heaven's sake, I got mine pierced when I was 16!). I know what's best...I know this is going to hurt and it may not end up being quite what she expected. And then, it kinda 'came over me' that as long as I lay it out (pro/con) for her and help prepare her to make this decision and guide her in responsibility and widsom, then I'm doing my job.

Let me 'splain...

As a mommy (and over-protective one, at that - I'm married to "safety Brent" afterall), my job is NOT solely protection. Don't freak - what I mean is, I am called to protect my kiddos to a point, but with each year I need to loosen my grip a bit. I heard it said once to think of parenting as a rope tied to them. When they are small, you keep it TIGHT - no slack. As they grow, you let out a bit of slack here and there - always ready to reel it back in when necessary. Even as teens and then adults, we are still tethered...just lots more slack. I love that picture.

Well, I tend to be a I-am-NOT-letting-any-slack-out kind of mama.

As dorky as it seems, I asked God yesterday if He even cared if we did earpiercing...and if He did, if He could throw some wisdom my way...help me be sure one way or the other. And it was then that the rope thing came back to me. This was a perfect moment to let out a little slack...whether I liked it or not.

And so I loosened my grip.

I let 2 teenagers w/face piercings take a lil' gun to my kid's precious ears. Gulp. I wont lie...I had a moment of panic and asked God silently what the heck this had to do w/being a good parent. And then, as though in response to my silent Q I looked into her eyes...they were about to do the deed and she was so afraid...but determined like I've never ever seen her be. Everything in me wanted to grab her up and RUN! "Are you SURE about this? We can wait and think about it." She looked at me calm as can be (fear in her eyes, tho), "I'm sure." And I let out the slack.

It was a moment that went WAY beyond the hello kitty earrings that she picked or the teenagers w/piercings or the threat of infection at THAT moment. It was a moment when I felt like I was doing SOMETHING right w/her. Like - stay with me here - I was preparing her for what was to come...making decisions that would surely result in pain, but ultimately were worth the agony of what you walked thru to get to the other side. Protecting her from anything that scares ME doesnt teach that kind of lesson.

The other side - getting to the hello kitty earrings - takes fighting thru the fear and sitting still thru the pain. Wow, what that girl taught me...I continue to be amazed at the revelations He shows me when I make the choice to look up and see.

She rocks. It was truly one of my favorite days ever.